Craig's List Caters to Every Sexual Appetite

My obsession with Craig's List appears to be getting out of hand. Trawling through various city portals, I went on the hunt for philia and fetish and boy, did I find it!

Lost your ATM card? Don't waste your time ringing the bank - try this 30-year-old Londoner for a bit of financial domination instead. He writes: "Hi Beautiful, i will make this very brief. i am very submissive,and looking to explore financial domination. i have been interested in this fetish for a little while,and have had a little experience. i am not looking for a brutal Domme,or to be blackmailed,so inexperience is most welcome. i am hopefully looking for something long-term,and not for someone to be a money grabber." Erm, but he does want to be financially dominated. He continues: " i absolutely want nothing in return,except your friendship and ocassional pics(off you and the items you are spending YOUR money on)etc. i have of course many ideas,scenarios,which would make this more exciting,and fun. so please,if this turns you on,excites you,and you feel you would like to explore this with me,please email me with a pic(prefebably a pic,holding my name on show etc) as this shows you are for real ,genuine,and not a guy messing me about.and i will love to chat with you. i am 100% for real,and genuine. kissing your boots, atm"

Fed up with handwashing your delicates? A New Yorker mysophilac writes in with a financially lucrative offer: "Simple request... I have an insatiable fetish with stinky panties, hose, socks, shoes. I am in desperate need of a fix! All I ask is for you to put together a stinky "care package" for me. Dig into that laundry basket, and closet... and I will come pick it up anywhere in the city. NSA. EASY MONEY! This is no joke. Please send a pic if you are interested. I have cash waiting for you..."

Got Milk? A lactose tolerant man in the Atlanta area may be looking for you! The breast man's ad reads: "I am a successful and attractive male who is looking for breast play with an attractive woman. If you have large breasts (I have a fetish), please respond with photos...If you are pregnant or nursing that is a plus....No sex needed, I just simply want to taste some milk.... "

Potentially perfect man alert! There's nothing better than coming home to a clean house and a foot massage now, is there? One New Yorker writes: "Ladies: Are you looking for someone to clean your apartment? Need help with vacuuming, moving furniture around, dusting furniture? Well, I would love to do that for you! I'm 29, white male, clean cut, thin build, and i love sexy female feet! I will clean ur apartment, do ur errands, etc for a foot fetish session. I will massage ur sexy feet! U must be under 40 years, with pretty feet. Write back if interested!"

Shoe collection letting you down? Why not let this 38-year-old Philadelphia man be your personal shopping assistant? He writes: "I have a fetish for beautiful women with beautiful feet. I'm ISO of a woman 25-35 who's very well manicured, clean, physically attractive with pretty feet. I prefer pettite women (white or asian) who know how to put themselves together. My interest is to find you, wherever you are, meet and if there's chemistry, spend the day shoe shopping for you. All expenses covered by me at whichever stores you prefer. If there's a sexual spark, that'd be great, but it's not required. I'm a professional, physically attractive (5'9") athletic build, brown hair, blue eys with a good sense of humor. Discretion is a must. Please send your pictures, including face and feet. We can go from there."

Too many beans last night? A 23-year old New York gas man may be the only one to show you love today! The fart fetishist confesses: "I have a fetish for females who would fart in my face and pass gas while I eat their ass and pussy or while fucking. I am very well hung. A freak in the bed. Get back to me with a pic or number and I will return mine..."

Fed up with painful Brazilians? A 45-year-old Londoner's ad reads: "Hello and thanks for looking at my ad. I know that this is a very specific request and is proving difficult to find but it's worth trying! Now that winter is here, there MUST be someone out there, surely, that doesn't shave their pussy? We all know most women nowadays are obsessed with shaving their pussies (shame on you!) and I am probably the exception, in that, I simply LOVE hairy pussies - the more hair you have the more I love it!" This attitude towards pubic follicles is quite refreshing in the days of the obsession with waxing. He continues: "Hair sticking out of the sides of your knickers, hair growing down your thighs, a hairy small-of-your-back leading down to a hairy arse etc...it doesn't matter how hairy you are, I will love it even more! So, all that said, maybe I am looking for the impossible; a woman with a 'natural' hairy pussy that would like a man like me to worship it!"

Enema Curious? Let this man teach you a thing or two! The New Yorker writes: "Are you a woman who is intrigued by this fetish? By the sexual potential of the enema experience? Whether you’ve done it and want to do it again, or are eager to try for the first time, or merely curious, let me know. I’m a man who knows a thing or two about a full bag and a nozzle, and what to do with them. Good looking, imaginative, smart man." While I adore a man who knows how to use his nozzle, I think I'll pass on that sort of specialist tuition!

Looking for a date to the masquerade ball? This easy-going Montreal man is open to the world of exploring masks and blemishes, writing:"I'm 42, healthy, sane, employed, single, non-smoker. I'm seeking a long-term relationship with the right lady. I'm a good guy, normal in every way. I'm affectionate, caring, smart, educated." He sounds perfect - but there's always a catch, isn't there? He continues: "I also have a huge fetish for masks. I like Catwoman a *lot* ! You should be under 40, single, healthy, smart. If you happen to think masks are fun, that's just awesome. But I think it's pretty rare." Ok, so he likes a bit of dressup - what man isn't into Halle Berry as Catwoman. But of course, there's more: "Or if you have a facial blemish of any kind, this might be an unexpected and fun idea for you. Portwine, whatever. I don't care. At all. Want to be my Catwoman?"

Plumbing not had a good seeing-to for some time? One Boston BBW/Chubby chaser would love to give your pipes a good servicing. He writes: "Hello my BBW woman," Oh dear, does he know what BBW stands for? He continues: "I am a plumber looking for some work...the catch is I do the work in the bottomless. So if you have a leaky toilet or a faucet you need fixed. They email me Ok. Seriously this is not a joke. I do the plumbing work for a good fee. If you want a pic you need to be serious. I am serious about what I do. I have a fetish about do(ing) this work in the buff."

Hair-raising fun! On the Atlanta portal, a man visiting the city for a few days writes: "GWM 43 6'5" 240lbs brown hair, blue eyes, avg looks, clean shaven, nonsmoker, nondrugs, disease free, guy next door type with a fetish for a nice head of hair... a guy with a nice head of full hair that likes to have his hair played with-scalp massage, gel'd, greased, shampoo'd and styled. (Not into bald or thinning hair,) just a nice full head of hair I can get my hands into."

It's A Windy Kind of Love

Last night I was speaking to an old friend about the nature of true love. As the romantic sort, I expected him to wax lyrical about the power of Cupid's arrow and irrepressible urges. Instead, he paused for thought and said quite simply: "Well, you know it's true love if you can fart around that person and not regret it." Hmmm and they say romance is dead, eh?

Having been subjected to a love quite flatulent, I can only hope that this definition is far from the truth. Reading the tale of Lindey Best's tale in the Sun, "Farting Ruined My Sex Life", I realised that I was not alone in reaching for the gas mask in the presence of a walking stink bomb.

While most duck and run for cover when faced with a loved one's gassy emission, there are some who just can't wait for their love's next windy blast. Eproctophilia, or sexual arousal from another's farts, is on the rise with sites offering film clips and images for those who crave gas-powered erotica. Forums such as the Queen of Farts forum, moderated by the Queen of Farts Sexy Miss Lizz, allows members to openly discuss their farting realities and fantasies.

Fart fetishism is a true feast for the senses - stimulating eyes, ears and nose. For those unable to express this desire in their love, a wide range of porn films are available which cater to this fetish, however, it is my understanding that the 'best' are of Japanese origin. Sometimes just seeing or hearing is never enough. At times like those, look no further than Farting Sexy's Farrah and LadyEve who will send you worn panties which received a bottom-blasting all day. An interesting aspect of the erotica surrounding this subject come in its form of written erotica. Fart diaries or Gas Logs such as Lisa's and Jillian's allow for insight into the world of the sorts of women whose emissions can "burn a hole in her panties". In their diaries they detail not only how many times they pass wind, but also detailed descriptions. Jillian wrote of her first one that day: "Bathroom-just out of bed - Big, rotten eggs and sour milk ". While these appear quite innocent to a novice like me, I'm guessing it works for someone!

Many worry about the effects of the internet and how it increases our sexual perversions, but in this case, it certainly is not a 'new fetish'. In the 18th century Jonathan Swift famously wrote a pamphlet called "The Benefits of Farting Explain'd". In the early 20th century, author James Joyce's erotic letters to his wife Nora, reveal his affection and desire for her farts. In December 1909, he wrote: "At every fuck I gave you your shameless tongue came bursting out through your lips and if a gave you a bigger stronger fuck than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora's fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also."

These intimate exchanges, written over a period when Joyce and his 'little fuckbird' were apart, clearly were written for arousal. Richard Ellmann, writing the introduction to the 1975 Faber & Faber edition of Selected Letters of James Joyce suggests that the erotic letters can be misunderstood. He writes that: "They display traces of fetishism, anality, paranoia and masochism, but before quartering Joyce into these categories and consigning him to their tyranny we must remember that he was capable, in his work, of ridiculing them all as Circean beguilements, of turning them into vaudeville routines. Then too, the letters rebuke such obvious labels by an ulterior purpose; besides the immediate physical goal, Joyce wishes to anatomise and reconstitute and crystallize the emotion of love. He goes further still; like Richard Rowan in Exiles, he wishes to possess his wife's soul, and have her possess his, in utter nakedness. To know someone else beyond love and hate, beyond vanity and remorse, beyond human possibility almost, is his extravagant desire."

So, maybe my friend makes a valid point about the criteria for true love, perhaps he's even read some Joyce and embraced an all-encompassing love. Perhaps he is a closet fart fetishist and spends his evenings feeding his girlfriend beans in the hopes she'll treat him to a show. But, more likely, he's just too lazy to excuse himself from a loved one's prescence before releasing his not-so-fragrant aroma.