That's Mighty Fine Pie, Ma'am

When primal urges are denied, people, go a bit crazy. Take the story of a man in Madrid who held up a pharmacy with two toy guns, demanding their Viagra stocks. While there's a distinctive and profitable market for the impotency drug on the black market, what makes this story slightly odder is that he returned two hours later, perhaps in a post-coital state, armed with two bouquets of roses, before being arrested. I guess the moral of that story could be that even flowers can't say I'm sorry every time.

But, with just one little blue pill costing in excess of £10.00 over the counter at specialist chemists in the UK, is it any wonder that people are turning to criminal circles in search of sexual success? What are the alternatives? Aphrodisiacs, such as spanish fly, oysters, champagne, chocolate and even the horn of a rhino have been linked to pleasure, however medical science does not substantiate those claims.

Psychologist and neurologist Alan Hirsch, author of Scentsational Sex: The Secret to Using Aroma for Arousal, suggests that the answer's in the pie. Hirsch's study of 31 male volunteers at the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago investigated the connection between odours and sex after observing that approximately 18 percent of patients who lose their sense of smell develop sexual dysfunction. The neurological director wondered if the inability to detect odors might have some direct connection with sexual response. Using 30 scents and 46 test odors, including some combinations, he found that a combination of lavender and pumpkin pie showed the greatest measurable arousal, increasing penile blood flow by an average of 40 percent.

Hollywood, it seems, has always understood the power of pie. While in early film, cream pie fights were a source of humour and embarrassment, the 1990's saw them take a decisively erotic slant. Since Twin Peaks , cherry pie reminds me of David Lynch's dark sexuality. And - who can look at an apple pie in quite the same way after watching American Pie [1999]?

Perhaps it's precisely this unique combination of mischief, humiliation and sensuality which sends pie fetishists reaching for the extra squirty cream. Used as part of wet and messy (WAM) BDSM play, this gungy fun involves men and women getting down and dirty with the humble pie. Countless games can be played including: sploshing, pie sitting, pie fights and even 'self-pieing'. A user-run Gunge Survey provides insight into the fixation.

A 32-year-old American man writes: "Ever since I was a small child, I have enjoyed seeing pretty women get pied. (Well, as a kid I enjoyed it, as I got older it aroused me!) Men getting pied doesn't do it for me (in fact, I find it a waste of a good pie!), nor does a pie in a women's breasts or whatever. I really enjoy pie scenes from the Electric Company, Sesame St and the Three Stooges, cuz' I grew up on them, but my favorite pie scene is from a Spanish TV show in which a whole bunch of beauty contestants get in a pie fight. (OH YEAH!) "

Personally, I'm not sure how arousing the Three Stooges or old I Love Lucy episodes are for the WAM fan. Fortunately, the sex industry offers a wide range of delights for the pie fetishist, from brothels which arrange 'pie fighting' to DVDs with that x-rated touch.

While wet and messy play is not for everyone, it appears related to the emphasis placed on the 'cream pie' shot offered up in traditional hard core. To be honest, there isn't a way that isn't crude to explain it, so I'll leave it to the Urban Dictionary . The top-ranked definition comes from Fred who defines it as: "A vagina that's had a load of semen shot into it. Note - semen ON a vagina is NOT a cream pie. Cream pies have cream on the INSIDE. A vagina that merely has semen ON it is just a messy vagina. Cream must be injected!"

It seems there's pies, pies everywhere, but not a pie to eat!